D for Dreams

Dreams have always fascinated me. Mine seem to be especially vivid and often very complex and difficult to explain. At least, I assume they are. It seems that when I try to explain them to my family they look at me like I'm a little bit crazy.

I also have several different types of reoccurring dreams. One of these is various situations in which my teeth are loose and/or falling out or crumbling in my mouth. It's very disturbing. I once read that this represents saying things that you later regret. I've tried to think about conversations I've had around the times when I've had a dream like that, and I have yet to substantiate that interpretation. But, I try to remember that if I want to keep my teeth when I am sleeping, than I should watch my words while waking.

Another dream that visits me often is one that finds me trying desperately to make an emergency type phone call and I am completely unable to dial the correct number. I've been having this type of dream for years. It started back before everyone had cell phones and phones in their house that showed the read-out of numbers as you dialed. At first, it was always pay phones, and I swore I was hitting the right button, but the wrong number would always show up on the screen. I would hang up and try over and over, but it would never work. Over the years the phones have changed, but the dream remains pretty much the same. It's always so frustrating.

I'm not sure what any of this says about me. Sometimes I feel a little exhausted, because my dreams seem so real. And, more often than not, these subconscious visions are not exactly happy or relaxing. And, now that I am thinking about it, I am hoping that tonight with be one of those rare nights where I don't remember what my brain is doing while I'm sleeping.

C is for Casino

It's not that I've already dropped the ball on on the challenge, it's just that I've been in Las Vegas for the last 2 days and I didn't want to pay for internet service. There will be more on this topic soon....

B is for Baily

There wasn't even a question as to what to blog about for this letter. The very first thing that comes to my mind when I think of the letter B is my sweet girl Baily.

I had just turned 22 years old when she came into my life. There was nothing more that I wanted in life than to be a mother. I also really, really wanted a daughter. I was hoping so much for a girl that I convinced myself for the entire 9 months that I would be having a boy, just in case, so I wouldn't be disappointed.

Baily's entrance into the world was a little on the dramatic side. I like to imagine that she was just very comfortable snuggled into my womb, and she just wasn't ready to leave her little home. But after nearly 2 full days of labor, she was delivered into my arms via emergency c-section. Even as beat up and disoriented as I was at the time, I remember the sense of wonder I felt when the doctor said "It's a girl."

Baily was a fairly easy baby. She loved books from an early age. She would sit for hours and pretend to read. After she learned to talk, she would memorize the words I read to her and she would sit and recite the books as she looked at them. She also loved music, her cats, and the television show Bear In The Big Blue House. At 3 years old she adored Buzz Lightyear, and she told everyone that he was her boyfriend.


She was 3 years old when her sister Marissa joined our family. It was a bit of an adjustment for Baily. She was very used to being the center of everyone's world, having been the only grandchild on both sides of the family. So, jealousy reigned supreme for about a year. It was not uncommon to see Baily with an evil gleam in her eye as she pretended to hug the baby, and then push her over on her head. She outgrew the jealousy, though, and has grown into a very doting big sister.

In a little over a month, Baily will be 13 years old. I am awed and amazed at her everyday. She makes me laugh, and makes me very proud to be her mother. She is kind, and a loyal friend. She is smart, and does well in school without putting in much effort at all. She loves books as much or more than she did as a toddler, and she reads voraciously. She doesn't give much thought to what people think of her, and she's not afraid to be herself. I know that she will accomplish anything that she sets her mind to, and when I look at her it makes me feel like I must be doing something right.

I love you so much Baily, my Bubbly, Bouncy, Beautiful girl!!!!

A: A really Amazing letter of the Alphabet and a woman named Amy

Today I was reading one of my favorite blogs, which is written by a friend of mine named Amy. She's a cool chick who is really open to sharing her journey in life and self discovery and I am constantly inspired by her. It seems that she has taken on a new project: The A to Z Blogging Challenge.

I have followed Amy on a creative journey before. I was following her Flickr stream when she was first attempting 365 days of self portraits, another instance in which I have been totally inspired and in awe of this woman. I gave the 365 days a shot, too, but I was never nearly as interesting or creative as Amy or the other people I admired. I can't remember exactly how many days I made it, but I think it was around 118.

As soon as I read about the challenge, I thought that it was something that I wanted to do, as well. For months, maybe even a year, it has been in my mind that I want to blog more and work more on my writing. But, today I have been more focused on the time I have to spend with my daughters than on anything else, and I figured I wouldn't come up with anything today and therefore I would fail the challenge immediately.

So, with just a couple of hours left in the day to come up with my "A" topic, I was running words through my mind, trying to decide what to write about. I started writing this entry intending to write about something else, but now that I am into it, I realize that I have already written about an A. AMY.

Of course, now I feel slightly stalkerish and weird....but there you have it. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be writing anything. This specific blog entry is really unremarkable, but I am tired after a horrible night of sleep last night and I know I can't come up with anything better. Hopefully the rest of the month with be better for me, or at least give me one or two days of at least halfway decent prose, but only time will tell. At least this is something to keep me motivated.

And, Amy....THANK YOU....
You wrote today that you need inspiration and you needed to inspire. Well, you inspire me, so hopefully that's worth something.

A little love on Valentine's Day

Let’s face it: I am a LOVE junkie. Ever since I was a little girl I have been infatuated with a good love story. One of my early memories is of a Cinderella storybook I read at my preschool. I remember sitting all alone and pouring over those pages with reverence. I’m fairly certain I started looking for my own Prince Charming immediately afterward. I know I am not the only woman who feels this way. Many of us grow up wishing for the dream wedding and the happily ever after. And, even though I disappointed myself by failing in my first marriage, I still want to believe in soul mates and that one deep, true love of my life.

I recently watched a movie called “Paper Heart”. It was a faux documentary about a girl who didn’t believe that she was capable of falling in love. She went across the country interviewing people and listening to their stories of what love meant to them and what it was like to fall in love. Now, it doesn’t take much to get me thinking about love, because I am living my very own epic love story. But, the movie, along with the fact that it is Valentine’s Day made me want to put my feelings about love down in words.

Someone once told me that love is a choice, not an emotion. I go back and forth about this, and I can’t decide whether I agree that this is possible in regards to romantic love. You can choose to give yourself to another person and make a life with them and be happy. But, is that really love? I have to ask that question, because when it comes to the love I feel, there was no choice. This love chose me. It completely blindsided me, knocked all the air of me, and tied me up in knots that I will never, ever be able to undo. And, I couldn’t be happier about it.

My whole world shifted the very second that I first made eye contact with Ron. It may seem unbelievable to some, but it is the honest truth. I looked up, and looked into his eyes and my heart started pounding and I started to shake. He smiled at me, and that was it. I was completely done for. After that first look, I could not get him out of my head for even a second. I knew my life would never be complete without him in it.

And, immediately, there was a connection between us that was unlike anything I have ever experienced. It felt like we had known each forever. Everything about him put me at ease and made me feel so comfortable.

As the years go by, it just gets better. Every time my phone rings or an email comes in, I feel giddy. Every time he walks in the door from work, my heart beats a little faster. Every time I wake up and feel him next to me, I am enveloped in a sense of comfort and safety and pure happiness. I love him for everything that he is, and everything that he is not. I love him for the person that he helps me to be. I love what we are together. It is a love that is pure and exists outside of any pressures or expectations. And, it's not a choice. I couldn't stop it if I tried. It's the most beautiful, incredible gift and I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to feel this kind of love.

Monday Ramblings

The other day I made a statement that I’m sure offended the person I was talking to, and I can definitely understand why that would have been. The words came out of my mouth with a venomous tone, but the negativity was not directed at the person I was speaking to. My discontent stemmed from my general feelings about materialism and society’s tendency to give value to certain things as status symbols. I try not to be judgmental. People are free to make their own choices as to what they like and what they don’t like. But, I suppose there are times when I feel that the reasons people choose the things they surround themselves with a more than just a little problematic.

I know that I am not what most people would consider a “cool” or “trendy” person. People don’t envy me, or pass me on the street and think ‘That woman has it together.’ I don’t care about things like that. I don’t have any desire to impress people or portray a certain image based on the clothes I wear or the car I drive. In fact, I would go out of my way not to purchase or use certain brand names because of the impression I feel they give.

Now, I’m not trying to be all self-righteous here. It’s not that I don’t like nice things or things that are aesthetically pleasing. I am certainly willing to spend a little extra money on items that work better or that are made better and longer-lasting. I am not above buying something just because I think it is beautiful. But, I try to make good decisions. I try to be a wise consumer and support companies and businesses that have good service and business practices. Above all, I want to set a positive example for my children.

Children are marketing targets at such an early age these days. I can see how easy it is for them to be swept up in the appeal of shiny new toys and clothes that promise happiness and popularity. But, things don’t provide true happiness. True happiness comes from love, relationships, experiences, and God. I look around me and see greed, want, and excess everywhere. I see people falling into a trap of trying to fill up empty holes in their lives with material things; maybe because they don’t know any better. I feel sad for those people, for what they might be missing in their lives. And, I don’t want my children to experience life this way. I want them to feel valued and worthy of who they are as people, and for what they contribute to the world around them. I want them to see the value and the worth in others for the same reasons.

One of my favorite songs is “Gone” by Jack Johnson. It’s simple, but it seems like there are lots of people out there who aren’t listening.

“Look at all those fancy clothes, But these could keep us warm just like those. And, what about your soul is it cold? Is it straight from the mold and ready to be sold?”

Look, I'm not trying to judge. The choices a person makes are solely their own. I know that I am far from perfect. But, I just want to live in a world where people place value where it really belongs. I wish nothing but true happiness on everyone in the world, as cheesy and idealistic as that may sound. And, since I've never found true happiness in material things, I assume that's not where we should be looking.

Should I blog or not?

Oh, hello blog. Remember me? I created you, I nurtured you, I grew you into a thing of beauty….

Oh, wait. I guess none of that actually happened. In my mind it might have happened. I love to write, but the things that I really want to write (oh, the stories I could tell)…well, someone might read them. And, I might piss someone off. It could make my life complicated; as if it’s not complicated enough already.

There might be another reason why I’m reluctant to write. I recently re-read my old diaries. I’ve been keeping diaries for as long as I have been able to spell (or misspell, whatever the case may be). And the truth is; I embarrass myself. Sometimes I feel like such a fool for things that I have written, even if it was meant for my eyes only. I actually wrote in my diary when I was 15 years old that I hoped someday my daughters could read what wrote, so they would know that I could relate to them. Are you kidding me, 15 year old self??? I read the things that you did when you were 15. I don’t think it’s necessary to give your daughters any ideas. What could I have possibly been thinking? NOTHING! That’s right, NOTHING!! I obviously had not grown a fully functioning brain by that point in my life, so there is no reason to go doling out advice from one non functioning brain to another. But, I digress…my point is, that if I blog about something, and post it on the internet, there is a very high probability that a few days down the road, my more evolved, highly functioning brain is going to say “Damn, I wish I hadn’t said that.”

But, then again, I do only have two followers on this blog. Stay tuned. You just never know.