F is for Family

I had time yesterday to write something for the letter F, but I stayed busy with chores around the house and I went for a run, and before I knew it, it was the end of the school day. One child arrived home from school, and I made him something to eat. Then it was off to collect the youngest so he could have a snack and get dressed for baseball practice. After dropping him off, I ran back to pick the girls up from their after school program and get them deposited at home. Then, back to watch the end of practice and home again to finally get dinner started.

After dinner was done, consumed, and cleaned up, we Skyped with our girls in Idaho for awhile (thank goodness for Skype!!!! I would never be able to survive without it!!). By that time, I was just ready to lay down and relax with my amazingly wonderful husband, and I realized that I should have taken the chance to blog during the day when I had it. But, such is life....

My family is the most important thing in the world to me and they always come first. I am so blessed to have so many people to love, and so many people who love me. All 7 of my children are unique and wonderful, the 2 to whom I gave birth, and the other 5 whom I am so lucky to have the chance to have in my life. My husband is my rock, and he helps me be a better person. My parents are always there for me, they give me more love and support than I deserve. My in-laws are incredible, and I don't think you could ask for better.

So, F is for family. I would be lost without them!

*E* for Education

Education is a topic that is on my mind a lot. As a parent, it is so important to me that my children receive a good education at school, and that I am supporting that learning and providing education for them at home as well. I worry about the state of our education system because of the economy and all the budget cuts our schools are experiencing. I also worry about my children staying focused and realizing just how important their education is. That comes from a very personal experience.

My school performance was average, but I know that I could have done so much better if I had just tried a little harder. I think I just had my head in the clouds a lot of the time, and I have to admit that I was always a bit of an underachiever. I went off to college with a boyfriend and no more motivation than I had in high school.

I have always been drawn to older people as friends (and spouses), and I think for some reason I just wanted to skip over my youth and become a full-fledged grown-up as quickly as possible. I dropped out of college after one semester.

All I could think about was getting married and becoming a mother. It was the only thing I wanted. I didn't feel career-driven, and at the time I felt that the only reason I needed a college education was if I had a clear career path that would require a college degree to achieve. What I failed to realize, though, was that while I am not career-driven, I am knowledge-driven. And, I did not anticipate how much I would come to regret that decision to drop out of college.

I moved back to the small town where I grew up, and I did indeed follow my dreams of getting married and having children. But, I had put myself into a situation where there was little I could do to continue my education. My husband received promotions and was finding himself in a career that would provide well for us, but that meant that we couldn't move from the town we lived in, and the nearest college was 100 miles away. I watched as my brother and his wife made many sacrifices to continue their educations and as I witnessed them both receive their college diplomas I was so proud of them and yet, so sad for myself.

The years passed, and I had children to care for and a household to maintain. Even after we were able to move to larger towns where college classes were available, it would have been costly and difficult to balance family, and work, and school, I always just pushed it out of my mind. My children are the best things that ever happened to me, and I have never for a second questioned that I shouldn't have become a mother when I did. But, I do wonder what would have happened if I had pushed a little harder to change my life earlier. As hard as it would have been, there are plenty of people who make sacrifices and find a way to balance family and schooling. Why could I have not done it, too?

And now, here we are. My life is much different and actually even more complicated now than it was before my divorce and remarriage. But, my desire for more education has never been stronger. I feel like I am selling myself short. I feel like I am smarter and more capable than I have ever given myself credit for. But, I don't even know where to begin, and I still don't know if I ever will be able to go to college. The cost is still an issue, and of course, there is the fact that I don't even live in one place all the time. It's not going to leave my mind, so hopefully, someday there will be a solution that will allow me to make this dream a reality. And, if nothing else, I will use myself as an example to my children to never sell themselves short and to take the opportunities that they will be given. I never want them to feel the regrets that I do.

D for Dreams

Dreams have always fascinated me. Mine seem to be especially vivid and often very complex and difficult to explain. At least, I assume they are. It seems that when I try to explain them to my family they look at me like I'm a little bit crazy.

I also have several different types of reoccurring dreams. One of these is various situations in which my teeth are loose and/or falling out or crumbling in my mouth. It's very disturbing. I once read that this represents saying things that you later regret. I've tried to think about conversations I've had around the times when I've had a dream like that, and I have yet to substantiate that interpretation. But, I try to remember that if I want to keep my teeth when I am sleeping, than I should watch my words while waking.

Another dream that visits me often is one that finds me trying desperately to make an emergency type phone call and I am completely unable to dial the correct number. I've been having this type of dream for years. It started back before everyone had cell phones and phones in their house that showed the read-out of numbers as you dialed. At first, it was always pay phones, and I swore I was hitting the right button, but the wrong number would always show up on the screen. I would hang up and try over and over, but it would never work. Over the years the phones have changed, but the dream remains pretty much the same. It's always so frustrating.

I'm not sure what any of this says about me. Sometimes I feel a little exhausted, because my dreams seem so real. And, more often than not, these subconscious visions are not exactly happy or relaxing. And, now that I am thinking about it, I am hoping that tonight with be one of those rare nights where I don't remember what my brain is doing while I'm sleeping.

C is for Casino

It's not that I've already dropped the ball on on the challenge, it's just that I've been in Las Vegas for the last 2 days and I didn't want to pay for internet service. There will be more on this topic soon....

B is for Baily

There wasn't even a question as to what to blog about for this letter. The very first thing that comes to my mind when I think of the letter B is my sweet girl Baily.

I had just turned 22 years old when she came into my life. There was nothing more that I wanted in life than to be a mother. I also really, really wanted a daughter. I was hoping so much for a girl that I convinced myself for the entire 9 months that I would be having a boy, just in case, so I wouldn't be disappointed.

Baily's entrance into the world was a little on the dramatic side. I like to imagine that she was just very comfortable snuggled into my womb, and she just wasn't ready to leave her little home. But after nearly 2 full days of labor, she was delivered into my arms via emergency c-section. Even as beat up and disoriented as I was at the time, I remember the sense of wonder I felt when the doctor said "It's a girl."

Baily was a fairly easy baby. She loved books from an early age. She would sit for hours and pretend to read. After she learned to talk, she would memorize the words I read to her and she would sit and recite the books as she looked at them. She also loved music, her cats, and the television show Bear In The Big Blue House. At 3 years old she adored Buzz Lightyear, and she told everyone that he was her boyfriend.


She was 3 years old when her sister Marissa joined our family. It was a bit of an adjustment for Baily. She was very used to being the center of everyone's world, having been the only grandchild on both sides of the family. So, jealousy reigned supreme for about a year. It was not uncommon to see Baily with an evil gleam in her eye as she pretended to hug the baby, and then push her over on her head. She outgrew the jealousy, though, and has grown into a very doting big sister.

In a little over a month, Baily will be 13 years old. I am awed and amazed at her everyday. She makes me laugh, and makes me very proud to be her mother. She is kind, and a loyal friend. She is smart, and does well in school without putting in much effort at all. She loves books as much or more than she did as a toddler, and she reads voraciously. She doesn't give much thought to what people think of her, and she's not afraid to be herself. I know that she will accomplish anything that she sets her mind to, and when I look at her it makes me feel like I must be doing something right.

I love you so much Baily, my Bubbly, Bouncy, Beautiful girl!!!!

A: A really Amazing letter of the Alphabet and a woman named Amy

Today I was reading one of my favorite blogs, which is written by a friend of mine named Amy. She's a cool chick who is really open to sharing her journey in life and self discovery and I am constantly inspired by her. It seems that she has taken on a new project: The A to Z Blogging Challenge.

I have followed Amy on a creative journey before. I was following her Flickr stream when she was first attempting 365 days of self portraits, another instance in which I have been totally inspired and in awe of this woman. I gave the 365 days a shot, too, but I was never nearly as interesting or creative as Amy or the other people I admired. I can't remember exactly how many days I made it, but I think it was around 118.

As soon as I read about the challenge, I thought that it was something that I wanted to do, as well. For months, maybe even a year, it has been in my mind that I want to blog more and work more on my writing. But, today I have been more focused on the time I have to spend with my daughters than on anything else, and I figured I wouldn't come up with anything today and therefore I would fail the challenge immediately.

So, with just a couple of hours left in the day to come up with my "A" topic, I was running words through my mind, trying to decide what to write about. I started writing this entry intending to write about something else, but now that I am into it, I realize that I have already written about an A. AMY.

Of course, now I feel slightly stalkerish and weird....but there you have it. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be writing anything. This specific blog entry is really unremarkable, but I am tired after a horrible night of sleep last night and I know I can't come up with anything better. Hopefully the rest of the month with be better for me, or at least give me one or two days of at least halfway decent prose, but only time will tell. At least this is something to keep me motivated.

And, Amy....THANK YOU....
You wrote today that you need inspiration and you needed to inspire. Well, you inspire me, so hopefully that's worth something.

A little love on Valentine's Day

Let’s face it: I am a LOVE junkie. Ever since I was a little girl I have been infatuated with a good love story. One of my early memories is of a Cinderella storybook I read at my preschool. I remember sitting all alone and pouring over those pages with reverence. I’m fairly certain I started looking for my own Prince Charming immediately afterward. I know I am not the only woman who feels this way. Many of us grow up wishing for the dream wedding and the happily ever after. And, even though I disappointed myself by failing in my first marriage, I still want to believe in soul mates and that one deep, true love of my life.

I recently watched a movie called “Paper Heart”. It was a faux documentary about a girl who didn’t believe that she was capable of falling in love. She went across the country interviewing people and listening to their stories of what love meant to them and what it was like to fall in love. Now, it doesn’t take much to get me thinking about love, because I am living my very own epic love story. But, the movie, along with the fact that it is Valentine’s Day made me want to put my feelings about love down in words.

Someone once told me that love is a choice, not an emotion. I go back and forth about this, and I can’t decide whether I agree that this is possible in regards to romantic love. You can choose to give yourself to another person and make a life with them and be happy. But, is that really love? I have to ask that question, because when it comes to the love I feel, there was no choice. This love chose me. It completely blindsided me, knocked all the air of me, and tied me up in knots that I will never, ever be able to undo. And, I couldn’t be happier about it.

My whole world shifted the very second that I first made eye contact with Ron. It may seem unbelievable to some, but it is the honest truth. I looked up, and looked into his eyes and my heart started pounding and I started to shake. He smiled at me, and that was it. I was completely done for. After that first look, I could not get him out of my head for even a second. I knew my life would never be complete without him in it.

And, immediately, there was a connection between us that was unlike anything I have ever experienced. It felt like we had known each forever. Everything about him put me at ease and made me feel so comfortable.

As the years go by, it just gets better. Every time my phone rings or an email comes in, I feel giddy. Every time he walks in the door from work, my heart beats a little faster. Every time I wake up and feel him next to me, I am enveloped in a sense of comfort and safety and pure happiness. I love him for everything that he is, and everything that he is not. I love him for the person that he helps me to be. I love what we are together. It is a love that is pure and exists outside of any pressures or expectations. And, it's not a choice. I couldn't stop it if I tried. It's the most beautiful, incredible gift and I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to feel this kind of love.